Befriending Loss

Have you met my friend Loss?  Nearly everyone has.

Usually, Loss shows up unwelcomed and unexpected. Dressed to the nines or other times in a jogging suit, her outfit cleverly matches her mission. She can be bold; but typically, she tiptoes quietly and is hardly noticed. She says her favorite color is green, because it is a mix of blue and yellow, like the sad times and the brighter ones.

Loss does not have many friends, not because she is nasty, but because people fear getting close to her. She has earned a reputation for being a thief, taking things people are not ready to give. Some people give her more power than she deserves, others simply dread the change she brings.  That is how she got her nickname “Change”.  For many people she is just too inexplicable, showing up in any season at all hours of the day or night, changing the ways things are, opening doors they prefer to keep closed.

Loss has been around forever. She watched as the first day turned to night, losing its light and  she watched the first tree shed its leaves.  She is at the birth of every baby as they leave the comfort of the  womb and she is present at the last breath of everyone who gives up their physical existence.  For all her burdens, she is familiar and at peace with things that end. She appreciates the ancient truth that things never end, they evolve to a new beginning.

Loss’s superpower seems to be her wisdom. Perhaps she is not a thief at all, but rather a giver of gifts for which we are not ready.  Loss’s few friends gracefully welcome her, giving her a place in their heart, and hard as it is, they embrace her wisdom.   

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Undeniably, it is hard to find anyone who has not experienced the stress of loss, especially in this Pandemic as most of us have lost a way of life we enjoyed. Each of us has already endured countless losses, sometimes, crucial things like loss of health, a job, or meaningful possessions, friends, and family. Life has also given us ordinary, expected  losses, such as a when our child went to pre-school or off to college.  Some losses are barely noticed, they slipped away slowly, others leave intense pain that seems never-ending. Loss is not a single moment in time, is it an ongoing relationship with the natural rhythm of life.  Loss is not a thing to “get over”, but rather something to embrace for the wisdom it tenderly, slowly imparts. Every loss bestows inner strength, teaching us there is always more to come.

Unfortunately, loss is often viewed as solely negative; but the ways of the universe teach us there is a season for everything and the cycle of all things is to continually make way for new life. This time of year, it is easy to slip into a dark cave as we feel losses more intensely during the shorter, darker days. It is no wonder that nearly every culture and religion have celebrations of light during the winter. These are opportunities to shift from the darkness to light, moving from fear to hope, from the anguish of loss to the promise of more to come.

Many winter holidays share the common theme of light. November 1^st ,  Día de Los Muertos (Day of the Dead)  is a Mexican holiday that celebrates loved ones who have died by lighting candles to honor them. One of India’s most celebrated holidays Diwali was celebrated on November 14^th with rows of clay lamps, bonfires, fireworks, and strings of electric lights. December 10^th the Jewish celebration of Hanukkah will celebrate light with eight candles on the menorah, representing each day of the holiday. December 13^th Sweden celebrates the Festival of Light; St. Lucia is honored with her wreath of candles that she wears on her head to light her way. Various countries around the globe celebrate Christmas by decorating with glowing candles and strings of electric lights. Beginning the day after Christmas for seven days, Kwanzaa, is celebrated by lighting candles on a candleholder called a kinara. Iemanja, the Brazilian New Year, is celebrated by lighting hundreds of candles on the beach in the sand and in Chinese culture, the new year is celebrated with lanterns, firecrackers, and fireworks.

This is a good year to brighten our losses with as much light as we possibly can. Commemorating these holidays will give us a greater connection with others, bring more light to our darkness, and teach us that the inevitable rhythm of life is loss and renewal.

“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose.

All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”

ᴝ Helen Keller ᴝ