Anger

Dressed in red from head to toe, Anger waits where people don’t like to go. She hangs out in quiet, dark places enjoying a grand entrance. Some people like her power and enjoy having her around because of the attention she brings. Others stay as far away from her as possible because they know how easily she gets out of control. You are her friend or you are not, it’s that simple.

Anger has more close friends than you might think. Justice is her best friend, together they do amazing, healing, hopeful things. Fear is also a frequent companion, hiding behind Anger so often that one is often mistaken for the other. Fear doesn’t like wearing red, shouting aloud or being powerful. Truth be known, Fear doesn’t really enjoy Anger, but needs to hide somewhere and she feels safe around Anger. Anger provides her the perfect cover.  Another friend, Sadness, also takes cover behind Anger, she hides better than Fear, so it’s unlikely that you will discover her without looking very carefully. 

Anger is very comfortable protesting things; some of her favorite phrases are: “How Could this Happen?” It’s not fair.” and “I hate this!” Anger is intense in most everything she utters and one can often find her near people who have experienced a loss.

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Anger is a common reaction to death and indeed many families experience conflict during the initial stages of grief. Spanning from mild discord to rage, anger can manifest as a silent killer or a violent confrontation. When we don’t address anger, we can become bitter, condemning our feelings to a prison cell.

When vulnerable, we instinctively attempt to feel stronger, thus at times, we replace grief-related feelings such as sadness, loneliness or fear with accusations, bitterness and outrage. Unwarranted, futile feelings and behaviors push the healthy, normal reactions of grief aside. Unresolved grief exhausts us, so hard as it is, facing loss is the healthier choice.

If you feel angry while grieving, first identify the source of your feeling. Is it really anger or is it something else? Typically, authentic anger has a source that is solvable; honesty and openness readily soothe the situation. Expressing anger is reasonable and healthy when justifiable. If a loved one dies by suicide, anger plays a different role in grief than if death is by sudden heart attack.  In either case, the vulnerability we experience is unsettling. Anger may simply be signaling a desire to feel strong instead of vulnerable.

Some strategies for managing anger, include thinking before you speak, waiting to express anger when you are calm, getting physical exercise, or taking a time out.  Once calm, try to identify possible solutions, talk things out with a generous view of those you are angry with, use humor to release tension and don’t hold a grudge.

Remember that we often take frustrations out on those we hold most dear because deep inside we are counting on their love to save us. The world is not an easy place when we are grieving.  Be gentle with yourself and don’t be afraid to acknowledge that what manifests as anger in the early stages of grief is typically sadness.